Mr. Manners | A primer in state-approved methods for dealing with summer visitors
They say it's never too soon to prepare, so with Memorial Day weekend and the unofficial start of tourist season upon us, let's review our state's policies on tourists, summer complaints, people from away and other vital subjects.
As we all know, guiding tourists along from one venue to another is an important activity here in Maine. "That's nice, John," I hear some of you say, "but who, besides you, knows this useless information and who, besides you, cares?" Probably nobody. I just thought it would be nice to review so that if you happen to see a tourist wandering aimlessly through your part of Maine, you'll be able to tell that tourist exactly where to go.
It just so happens that Maine's Office of Tourism puts out a little-known pamphlet with tips for us natives on how to help our "summer visitors." You may ask, "Our state really has a policy on those people, John?"
Yes, and for one thing, we try not to refer to those people as "those people."
"Sorry, so what's the state's first tip?"
The first tip is: When it comes to tourism, be utilitarian.
"I thought our state was supposed to avoid dabbling in religion."
You may be thinking of Unitarian, Bunky. I said utilitarian! And besides, as anyone knows, Unitarians don't like dabbling in religion, either.
Anyway, from Memorial Day to Labor Day, the tourist is the most important person in our state -- whether using cash, check, major credit card, barter or even Canadian money or euros.
"Does that include the tourists in those enormous, lumbering, gas-guzzling motor homes, those 100-foot-long hazardous habitats on wheels that can barely hit 15 mph while going downhill with a strong headwind, those vehicles that are often described as fat globules clogging our state's traffic arteries?"
Are you through? Yes, it even includes "those people."
"Wait a minute, John. What about a tourist who's lost? A wandering bunch of lost tourists -- now there's a dependent lot, if I ever saw one."
True. But you must never make a tourist feel dependent or use a lost tourist for your amusement or sport. When a tourist rudely interrupts to ask for directions to some popular overpriced destination that you could never afford, avoid the temptation to direct them in circles just to see how long it takes them to figure out what you're doing.
Say you're asked by a tourist, "What's the quickest way to Bangor?" It is not acceptable, according to Maine's official tourist policy, to ask, "Are you going by car?" and when the tourist says, "Yes," to chuckle and say, "That's the quickest way."
While we're on the subject, when a tourist stops and says he's on his way to Rockland and asks if it makes any difference which way he goes at the fork up ahead, it's also not acceptable to say, "Not to me it don't." We all know you wouldn't care and we wouldn't care either, you're just not supposed to say it.
Folks in the tourist industry have a saying: "A tourist is not an interruption of our lives here in Maine; a tourist is the reason we are alive. We live to serve."
"Tourist industry people really say things like that, John?"
I know it sounds pretty numb but, yes, they really talk like that when no one else is around. And they say a lot of other things about tourists, most of which we couldn't print in this wholesome publication. The point is that our state's tourist people take their hospitality business very seriously.
Tourist industry people believe that every visitor who comes through the York tollbooth on the Maine Turnpike is one more economic opportunity for the state. And as far as they're concerned that person remains an economic opportunity until all his cards are maxed out and his wallet is empty.
The legendary Leon Leonwood Bean of Freeport, who knew a thing or two about dealing profitably with folks from away, used to tell his employees: "A customer is not someone to argue or match wits with. Nobody ever won an argument with a customer."
"L.L. Bean said that? Is he also the one who said matching wits with some tourists is like dueling with an unarmed man?"
No, I'm sure he never said anything like that, at least when there was a summer visitor within earshot. In fact, that's just the kind of smart-alecky remark that L.L. Bean was warning about.
"I never knew any of this about tourists, the tourist industry or the people who run the tourist industry, John. I'm sure glad we had this review."
I'm glad we did, too. Oh, and there will be a quiz.
John McDonald, an author, humorist and storyteller who performs throughout New England, can be reached at mainestoryteller@yahoo.com. Read more of John's columns here.
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