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February 9, 2009 There and Back

A Democrat among us | How the most Republican town in Maine suffered a setback

By John Mcdonald

Once again, we were all gathered at our usual table down at the diner the other morning just talking. With all the news about the recent inauguration of a new president and all the talk about politics, my friend Kendall turned to me and said, “John, tell that story about that town you come from. You know — the most Republican town in Maine.”

It’s true. Our Down East town was known for many things, but the one thing most everybody knew about it was it was the most Republican town in Maine.

We’d have an election back home, and when all the dust had settled all the ballots would be Republican. It was said that no Democratic ballot had ever been cast in our little town.

Then, back around 1960, around the time John Kennedy ran against Richard Nixon, someone from way down south — I believe he was from Newport, R.I. — retired from the Navy and bought a house right in the center of town. Being as how he was used to the hustle and bustle of a city like Newport, he said he wanted to be right there in the middle of things.

They say this retired Navy man was the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. But some folks — who always looked on the negative side of things — began to suspect he might have a dark side.

The first Election Day after his arrival, everyone went off to the town hall to vote. No one noticed anything too strange. This Navy fella showed up and voted like everyone else. He even chatted with the poll workers before he went home.

It wasn’t until that night, after the polls had closed and officials went down to the town hall to count up the ballots, that they realized what exactly had happened in their beloved town that day. The votes totaled 293 Republican and 1 DEMOCRAT.

The officials were stunned. Dumbfounded, even. Their mouths went dry. You could have knocked any one of them over with a seagull feather. They sat across from each other, staring at the final numbers in total disbelief. How could such a thing happen?

Just like that, the town’s coveted title as “The Most Republican Town in Maine” was shattered. Gone like a politician’s campaign promise.

Town officials knew immediately that this fella from the deep south of Newport, R.I., must have been the wayward voter.

It wasn’t long before the newcomer sensed he’d done something wrong, but he couldn’t quite figure out what it was exactly. How could he have known that with a checkmark on a ballot in the privacy of the voting booth, he had robbed the town of its precious title, its coveted claim to fame? And, of course, his character flaw — voting Democrat — was now out there for all to see.

The sudden change in his neighbors made him feel anxious and soon his blood pressure began to soar. He went to Togus to see a doctor, but it didn’t help. After several months of this, folks say he finally did the only decent and gracious thing he could have done under the circumstances. He died.

Everyone knew that with his passing the town could once again reclaim its title of “The Most Republican Town in Maine.” No one said it out loud, but many thought to themselves what a fine gesture he’d made on the town’s behalf by going and dying.

To show how much they appreciated his kind gesture, the townspeople gave him the largest, finest funeral in the town’s history. People were packed like sardines into the church pews — even the choir loft was filled. People stood in the aisles along the sides and many stood in back. Eventually, they opened the windows so folks outside could hear the service. Over a dozen people came to the pulpit to give eulogies. It was quite an event.

By coincidence, the day after the funeral was another Election Day. Everyone went off to vote and town officials went down to the town hall after the election to count up the ballots: 292 Republican and still 1 DEMOCRAT!

Ed Beal, the second selectman, who was also the town’s undertaker and had handled all the arrangements for the recent funeral, rose to his feet, stumbled toward the door and mumbled to himself: “Good heavens, we buried the wrong man!”

John McDonald, an author, humorist and storyteller who performs throughout New England, can be reached at mainestoryteller@yahoo.com.

 

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